I found true inner Peace as I learned to let God Calm the Chaos in my life. This is the story of my journey to Peace by learning to embrace who I am instead of defining myself by who I was. It is a quick read but was a long study. My obviously outward addiction was compulsive overeating and binge eating. but in time I learned that the affects of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) was the source of my addiction and my underlying fears. It is from those experiences that I write. Anyone who has ever dealt with an addiction or comes from a dysfunctional family or has had a loss of faith or has experienced emotional or physical abuse - oh heck, anyone who has ever lived life should be able to relate to this book on one level or another. Anyone who needs to repair relationships or restore love of self can benefit from this book.
Part One qualifies me to let you judge if you believe my experience, strength and hope could be of value to you. My father's suicide, childhood molestation, teen pregnancy, adult rape, compulsive overeating, drug abuse, binge eating, panic attacks, PTSD. God brought me from a life of chaos to true inner peace but it was a long journey. Part of the reason it took me so long to recover was because of all the false starts. It is my hope that in sharing my journey you can avoid the false starts and make true progress. God convinced me to write this book with the words from II Corinthians 1:3-4. "Praise be to the God of comfort, the Father of compassion who comforts us in all our troubles SO THAT WE can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." He has helped us SO THAT WE can help others.
This is a group of short stories and poems that I wrote in the course of my recovery. Writing is such an effective tool in recovery to uncover feelings, discover forgotten incidents, to make sense out of the chaos and to forgive others and ourselves. With each story I learned something about myself and discovered lessons that I could use to live a productive and positive life for the rest of my years. I hope they will touch your heart and perhaps my insights will spark insights of your own. For the most part, each story is inspirational with an emphasis on a positive outcome, a lesson learned. There are, however, a few that some may find disturbing - I hope so. Each leaves us with insights that carry over into all avenues of our lives and impact those around us. In reading my insights it is my hope that they will inspire you to include writing as a tool with your recovery and discovery. We cannot change the past but we can learn from it.
I offer here a group of tools and exercises as a means to healing and recovery. This is the part of the book that puts your recovery and healing into action. It is one thing to intellectualize a recovery but a very different approach to physically affect a recovery. Talk therapy helped me to understand the things that happened to me and put them in perspective. But it did not help me to move past them, to let go of the anger, to forgive. Below are a couple of the 40 tools provided in my book as a way to work through recovery, anxiety, depression and daily struggles. They can be used alone or in conjunction with the Twelve Steps in Part Four. They helped me to put the past behind me in a positive way and to begin to calm the chaos in my life. Paul wrote in Philippians 3:12-14, "I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it (righteousness). But one thing I do: forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."
I never stopped trying, I just kept straining forward.
This is a Twelve Step Bible study from a Christian perspective. There are a lot of misconceptions about Twelve Step Programs and the usage of the Twelve Steps themselves. You don't have to be an addict or alcoholic to benefit from a Twelve Step program. Our lives can be derailed for a multitude of reasons. The reality is that all of us have been harmed by someone along the way in life. For many, working the Twelve Steps from a Christian perspective is a wonderful way to put your life back on track. I have taken the effective Twelve Steps and applied biblical truth to each step in a workbook format to assist you as you work through the steps. For each step I have indicated which tools from Part Three are effective in working that step. Even if there is no addiction or particular disorder involved in your life, these steps have a proven history and I show through scripture how the Twelve Steps are a valid biblical approach in restoring order to our lives, restoring relationships and restoring self-esteem.
I have included three addendums of material that has been inspirational to me.
Addendum One is a list of key bible verses to keep in mind for recovery and for every day life.
Addendum Two talks about the importance of memorized prayer, scripture and songs. Howard Rutledge, writer of In the Presence of Mine Enemies, found that to be true in the seven years that he was in a POW camp in Vietman. I share some of my favorites and include a study of the Lord's Prayer.
Addendum Three is a bible study and prayer that can be used to release you and your household from demons. We joke about the devil. We dress like him at Halloween. We use him in cartoons depicting our "bad" side. But it is all in fun. What if it was real? I was once a skeptic on the reality of demons but as you will see in my short story, "In God's Time", demons are real. It is best to be prepared with the Full Armor of God. Read Ephesians 6:10-18
Normalcy in the Midst of Chaos
I was five years old and didn’t understand what was happening. Everything seemed wrong - people were upset, nobody was talking, my mother was crying. My father had committed suicide.
In the midst of chaos, however, there was a sense of normalcy – Grandma was there. Meals were served, beds were made, laundry was done, the house was cleaned and the cards were shuffled for a game of Go Fish. I was tucked into bed each night with a prayer and a kiss. This, I was to learn, was Grandma’s job – to create a sense of normalcy even in the midst of chaos.
This scene was repeated when my brother was born; when measles and mumps ran through the family; when my mother was diagnosed and underwent surgery and treatment for breast cancer; and when, as an adult, I was divorced with a 2 year old daughter to care for. Grandma returned with each occasion and created a sense of normalcy. The only thing that changed was the game for which the cards were shuffled. We graduated from Go Fish to Canasta to King’s Corners. She was, for me, a symbol of stability and security and I loved her dearly.
Grandma was a good, stout, German farm girl with a rich Lutheran heritage who had no time for pity parties. She just rolled up her sleeves and did what she could. That attitude, I’m sure, started in her childhood when, at the age of 12 she lost her own mother to TB. She and her sisters had to take over the running of the household which included cooking for the farm hands, raising the smaller children and all the daily cleaning and washing chores. There was no time to feel sorry for herself. Quite to the contrary when asked what she admired most about her father she said she was so thankful, “That he kept us all together after my mother died.” In those days children were often farmed out to relatives when the wife died. Consequently, family meant a great deal to her and she and her sisters had a special emotional bond, perhaps from working as a team to run the household. She was in attendance for the birth of every one of her grandchildren, a fact that she held dear.
I felt blessed when, in her late 90’s, I was able to give back just a bit of what I’d received. Going to the nursing home every week was sometimes heartbreaking. She was not particularly happy there, she could no longer care for herself and she’d sometimes question, “Why doesn’t the Good Lord just take me?” But true to her nature she never complained and was grateful for every little thing that was done for her. The smile that radiated from her face when she saw me walk through the doorway was worth every trip.
I was given the opportunity to create a sense of normalcy in the midst of her chaos. I wrote letters for her, manicured her nails, fixed her hair and shuffled the deck of cards. She died at 100 years and 8 months and I miss her very much. But, her legacy continues.
My best friend, Linda, recently died of breast cancer at the age of 48. I could not cure her. I could not take away the pain. I could not answer the question of, “why?” But I could manicure her nails, style her wig, decorate for the holidays and bring a smile to her face. I was able to create a sense of normalcy for Linda in our weekly visits.
I watched my best friend deteriorate and it broke my heart. But, through my grandmother’s example, I was able to focus on what I could do instead of focusing on what I could not do. When I think of my Grandmother, her presence said, Everything will be OK. I can physically feel myself taking a deep breath of fresh air at the thought of her. The world in which we live will always have elements of chaos but we can experience Peace in the midst of that chaos through the choices we make and by the grace of God.
Here are two of the forty tools that can help in your recovery and daily walk.
WRITING
Writing can be used in various forms to help facilitate healing and/or to help identify our feelings or what is really underlying our feelings or actions. The writing tools would be helpful in determining our stumbling blocks and then would be helpful again in coming up with a solution. I believe that in almost all cases, my advice would be to make writing our first line of defense. Below is one of several ways that we can use writing effectively.
Speed Writing
To help determine what we are really thinking
To help determine the root of the problem
To facilitate problem solving
To help develop solutions
Take a tablet of paper and pen in hand. Just start writing as fast as you can. Do not worry about punctuation or proper grammar or complete sentences. Keep writing until you just can’t write any more or until you have an “ah ha” moment. Continue writing after the “ah ha” moment to see where it leads you. When I have trouble getting started I just start by writing something like, “im just writing I don’t know what to write but I will just keep writing again and again and I am really mad at my boss about . . . .”
When I started I might not have even realized I was really mad at my boss but it just came out. It is pretty amazing the way this style of writing can bring out feelings and issues that you thought you’d long ago buried or forgotten or never even realized existed.
Obviously re-read what you have written and take action accordingly. Ask yourself what you have learned from this experience or how this has changed your life. Use the writing to help you move on from the circumstance.
What to do with the writing? My advice is to put it in your God Can or, if the issue is resolved, burn it.
Personalize Your Bible
To facilitate healing
To foster a personal relationship with God
To love yourself as God loves you
As you read and study your bible, personalize it – this is your book, don’t be afraid to write in it. Draw a line through pronouns or circumstances or actions and replace them with your name and an appropriate action that would be helpful to you.
For instance, John 5:6 reads, “When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition a long time, He asked him, ‘Do you want to get well?’” I put lines through the pronouns and actions and wrote in my name and a personalized action so that it now reads, “When Jesus saw Sherry lying there and learned that she had been addicted for 30 years, he asked her ‘Sherry, do you want to get well?’”
And in Psalm 142:6, it reads, “. . .rescue me from those who pursue me for they are too strong for me . . .” My version reads, “. . . rescue me from compulsive overeating for the urges are too strong for me.”
Another example is in I Corinthians 13:11. The Bible reads, “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.” In the margin of my Bible I have written, “When I was a child I turned to food for comfort. That was the best I could do then. I’m not a child anymore and have access to other means for comfort.”
This exercise helps to personalize your relationship with God and helps you to develop a habit of looking to the Bible for advice and strength. It also helped me to learn to love myself as God loves me.
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